I can no longer hold my tongue...

Right, so this is called ‘Part 1’ because there are many many many ever worsening parts to this most horrific offender of all things proper in the world. I will add to this at many stages i’m sure, but no other make-up advert at the moment grinds my gears quite like…L’oreal. Specifically, the wonder product that is “Youth Code”.

Ok. For starters, what the effing eff is a ‘Youth Code’ cream any way? What does that actually do? Has someone broken down the very fibres of small children so they have become mere 1s and 0s in some bizarre digital child blending apocalypse? And then been made into a cream???

Well, this very likely possibility can be confirmed in the opening gambit of the ad…possibly my favourite line that has ever been used in an advert yet….

“Inspired by the science of genes, L’oreal unlocks - Youth Code”

WHAT? I’m sorry? WHAT?? Inspired by genes?? Are you actually physically serious?? So, Mr.L’Oreal (if that indeed is your real name) is sitting around at home and suddenly thinks…

“You know what, I was just trying to think of a great new product, when all over a sudden, the thought of Swiss physician , Friedrich Miescher, who in 1869 was the first person to isolate DNA by discovering a microscopic substance in the pus of discarded surgical bandages popped into my head….waaaait a minute!!! Cream that makes ladies think they’re wrinkles are disappearing! BINGO! Thank goodness for the inspiration the science of genes gives us…”

I mean seriously…what language are these people using? Do consumers honestly buy into this?? Just try this next time you see an advert for make up….listen to the words. Try and see if you can find any actual real language of any sort at all that isn’t 100% made up.

But it’s OK, cos the results are proven. Well, when I say proven, 70% of 229 women agree. I mean that’s some solid, unshakable evidence right there.

Idiots.

So as I’m watching Dave on Sky, one of my biggest hates has just flashed before my eyes.

Go Compare.

Oh go compare…how I hate you. I hate you so very very much. So much so it aches. I actually have to mute the TV when this ad comes on for fear it will burn my ears.

So the gocompare.com adverts harbour one of my biggest hates in TV advertising. It goes something like this.

1)      Stupid internet based company (or other) commissions a typically arse daytime TV ad campaign that involves either a) a stupid song b) a stupid animal or c) a stupid song sung by a stupid animal.

2)      Advert is watched by millions of people who for some inexplicable reason think that the stupid song or animal is funny and repeat it constantly.

3)      Through market research, stupid advertising company who made advert think that because people can remember the stupid song or animal, it was a success.

4)      Stupid internet based company then drag out the original creative of the ad again and again and again and again, making a series of ever increasingly annoying adverts that are as irritating as having a wasp stuck underneath your eyelids.

People who are guilty of this.

1)      WeBuyAnyCar.com – you absolute knobjockeys. Your stupid stupid song which is pretty much as irritating as it gets on its own,  is now accompanied by many different idiots doing equal annoying dancing. As if a gathering of young women would phone one of the stupidest girls partner to enquire as to whether the clot has managed to sell the car. BigFishLittleFishCardboardBox dancing is not big or clever. Cock Off.

2)      GoCompare – Why anyone hasn’t done a murder on this twod who has a physically impossible moustache I don’t know. Why anyone is even trusting this man who is essentially, an opera singing insurance broker is beyond me. The campaign is now stretched so far that they can’t even make the lyrics of the later adverts scan properly. And if I was stuck on a desert island, I couldn’t give less of a toss that my car insurance was due for renewal. And I would be curious as to how an online insurance broker company has acquired details of my location and instead of sending help, decided to use the opportunity the send a mail shot to me, through that most reliable and common form of post distribution, a cocking message in a bottle. Not to mention the fact that the end of the advert reveals a guy in a suit behind an office desk with a computer. SEND A FRICKIN EMAIL FOR HELP THEN YOU MASSIVE DOUCHE.

3)      Comparethemarket.com – That bloody meerkat. Seriously. Stop. I don’t care about your ancestors, or the fact that people are accidently going to your bizzar service of comparing meerkats  Why does a meerkat need a service to compare meerkats. Surely it can go “Well, you’re Dave Meerkat and you’re Steve Meerkat”. Are meerkats that stupid that they need someone to point out these differences for them?? And why would that person then BE a meerkat?? What type of business plan did this guy lay out to get a loan to start this company??? IT MAKES NO SENSE.

On one hand, you can’t denying that these stupid adverts or animals have succeeded on one of the major points of advertising, public product awareness, getting the company name stuck in your head. But on the other…by constantly dragging out and diluting the same creative you weaken its impact. And in turn, annoy the chuff out of me.

…so then…we all have to start somewhere. And here’s a good a place as any.

So let’s get one thing clear. I don’t hate all adverts. If you think back over all the years of TV and radio and print media, there have been some superb campaigns.

But these days it seems, with over a 49834 channels available on digital TV the quality has been watered down some what.

Nothing winds me up more than stupid, idiotic, badly made, poorly thought out TV ads. So I’m going to tell you exactly which ones do, and why, in this blog. I hope you come to enjoy, maybe even share, the hate that I harbour.

And just before you think “hold on one cotton pickin’ minute buddy, what makes you qualified to rip apart the world of commercial media?” well, I’ve worked in commercial radio now for over 8 years

Plus I watch a bucket load of TV.

That’s enough of a reason right?

Anyways…hope you enjoy.